My heart is full of despair. I’m weary. Physically sick, emotionally exhausted, financially stretched, anxious. I want to go to heaven and be done with this place. I’m tired of liars, thieves, accusations, attacks from every side. My body and my soul do not make good punching bags. Working for Jesus is the hardest position I have ever taken. God help me to remember to tell people this when they sign up. Jesus tried to convince people not to follow Him because the road would not be easy and the way would be difficult. He sure wasn’t joking.
Last night I felt like the enemy was trying to kill me. Emotionally, physically, financially and spiritually. I felt like I was the target, too weak to run, hide behind trees, fight, or take it. In every way, I could barely stand. That’s all I could do. My prayers felt foggy and my battle gear would barely stay on. Though I wasn’t defeated, my mind was playing with me, and I felt so close to gone. How would I keep running this race, keep fighting the good fight, and enduring the suffering? Am I a threat worth taking out? Does Jesus use me to advance His Kingdom? Seems like He chose such a weakling.
No one would believe me if I shared everything that happened in a day. It’s insanity. One attack after another. Sometimes ramped, always steady annoying. Could reinforcements take over for awhile?
About two weeks ago, I started waking up with this one verse, “even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me.” The first morning I felt fear. Why was God waking me up with this scripture? What bad thing was going to happen now, what evil? I hate evil. Consistently, this verse awoke me, until this morning, I understood.
Though I feel like all the combined circumstances have stacked against me and will suffocate me, it’s not death. It’s only the shadow of death. Evil is all around me, my circumstances have not changed, but I have a choice to fear no evil, because God is with me. He was trying to tell me, you will soon feel like you are dying. For days He had tried to show me the pain would be great in my heart, full of sadness, sorrow and anguish. But, God is with me. Do not fear.
My heart is filled with fear. The “what if.” The what ifs constantly run in my mind. Always a scenario playing out in my head. My mind never stops. Torment. I have self-diagnosed PTSD.
So here I am, needing more of Jesus. Fragile. Heart-broken. Afraid. Sad. Desperate. Lonely. Terrified. Anxious.
Holding on to a promise that has always been dear to me…
“From of old no one has heard or perceived by the ear, no eye has seen a God besides you, who acts for those who wait for Him.”
– Isaiah 64:4