To the Doubters

What’s wrong with me? Why would I be such a doubting Thomas when I have this pile of rocks of His faithfulness? So often I wonder, is this the week the miracles run out. But they never do because His nature is faithfulness and He always is!

Sometimes it’s the last second and I’m wondering how will it be possible. What will He do this time? I like the days when I’m excited, waiting with expectant hope. But, most days I feel shame for the “oh my gosh, time is almost out freak out I’m having inside” while I try to look calm, cool and collected on the outside. If people only knew, I am seconds away from losing it, almost daily.

This week our water bill and power bill were due and God provided through my kids. Humbling, embarrassing, awkward? Maybe that’s how it’s “suppose” to feel. But no, it was actually normal, our family normal. They knew their hands held the funds our family needed to cover that expense at that moment. Their grandparents blessed them and they blessed our family. (Though they seriously wanted to vote to not pay the water bill. They thought it might be nice to not take a shower for awhile.)

These kids don’t mind giving up their money to help the family. They joked, some people teach spend some, save some, share some. Around here, we learn survival. And they laughed because nothing matters to them but relationships. I think they even said that. They don’t care about stuff, at all. I find that miraculous. They trust God will provide them what they need and they are good with His plan, whatever that plan may be.

Do our kids think we are poor?
No, of course not.

They know we are rich, God rich. We always have everything we need, right at the moment we need it. Most days, we have more than we need, way more.

From a vocabulary writing assignment, one of them wrote,

One day an immense light spoke to me and said, “don’t be afraid God sent me!! Duplicate and disperse, tell about God Almighty with all your heart.” Then I understood that being rich was unavailing, and having God is rich. So I left that clamorous place to tell about God and it was indispensable!!!

Reading that paragraph overwhelmed me and brought me back to the reason for our existence.

We can give constantly from whatever is given to us. We have access to God Almighty. We have the very best to give.

We are learning to live with open hands. Nothing is ours. Actually, nothing is yours either. Every good gift has come from our Father. Everything.

Isn’t that amazing to think about and celebrate. We don’t possess anything, everything is entrusted to us by God. My little brother use to come in my room and pick up my favorite stuff and say, “this isn’t yours, it’s God’s.” Oh course it was meant to taunt me when we were young, but it’s true. He was right.

Nothing is mine. It’s God’s.

What does this mean for me and how does it impact how I live and how I trust?

Tonight a friend needs help fetching a car he bought. My husband will help him, though it will cost time and fuel. We trust God will provide so we share.

Will work come this week? We are praying and trusting God’s promise that He is a God who acts on behalf of those who wait for Him. We are waiting and we are hoping.

We put scripture all around our house and we hold tight to the Jesus in it. The Word is living and active and sharper than a double-edged sword.

A friend’s marriage is fragile and it’s awkward, but we love and pursue. We fight for what looks dried up and lifeless because we believe God breathes life into what is dead. He is Rebuilder and Restorer.

A faith ride means so much more than our baby steps. Faith is being ok to admit our weakness and the “what’s wrong with me” moments and keep following Christ anyway, even when we doubt and fear.

Faith living is like a constant trust fall game where you keep falling backwards and trusting Someone will be there to catch you.

And having a deep knowing that the Someone is Jesus.

“For the despondent, every day brings trouble; for the happy heart, life is a continual feast.” – Proverbs 15:15

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