Jenny Waltman

We were given 18 months. Around 540 days. Almost 13,000 hours. The time was our opportunity to love this one person in our life well. Now silence answers the other end of the phone. Gone. We may never see him again.

“Christ in you, the hope of glory. Him we proclaim, warning everyone and teaching everyone with all wisdom, that we may present everyone mature in Christ. For this I toil, struggling with all His energy that He powerfully works within me.” – Colossians 1:27-29

We have the very hope in us that our friend is refusing to cling to, to trust. He testified he had this hope of glory, that Christ lived in him. I don’t know what he would say right now.

But I know my God, He does not leave or forsake us. He’s steady when we are chaotic. He’s faithful. He’s true. His nature does not change because we change.

Lost and wandering. That phrase I hate that humanity uses, “I need to find myself.”

We are commanded to proclaim Jesus. And the truth is we don’t need to find ourselves, we need to find Jesus.

Flesh wants. Flesh lies and flesh says “we deserve this or that.” Flesh is never satisfied. Flesh indulges, but never gets enough. Everything is temporary. Flesh wants a numb for the pain and succumbs to whatever will give the high, buzz, adrenaline rush, “what about me” momentary fix.

Me. Focus on me. No one else matters. Me kills and destroys. The destruction is fast or may be a slow fade. But me will die with no joy, no hope and no purpose.

What a lie to believe anything else but Jesus will satisfy us. Nothing will ever satisfy us. Not philosophy, traditions, sex, alcohol, shopping, food, drugs, people, cigs, entertainment, money, coffee, nothing. Oh, it may feel good for a temporary pleasure, but it will never be enough. We will only want more and more and at the end of the more, there will always be emptiness.

For Christ I want to toil, not with my energy, but His, that He powerfully works in me.

Did our friend hear our warnings or our teachings? Did he know all we wanted was to present him mature in Christ? We never wanted his talents, his time, his money, his resources. We wanted him to give that goodness to Jesus, as an act of worship, as a life of maturity.

We want for him freedom. We will always be a slave to something, to sin or to Christ. We have this hope of glory and we know it is worthy of surrender; worth the life of a servant.

Did we articulate the warnings in a way he could understand? Did he hear the teaching in the meals we shared, the laughter, the moments we screamed at each other in the pouring rain?  Did he notice our tears? Did our life give him any hope or did we present Jesus as so dismal that it wasn’t appealing? Could he not feel joy or see abundant life? Did our words and our lives not match?

We may not have another day with our friend, or even five minutes. Our ears may not hear his voice and our phones may never ding a text from him again. Our eyes may never see his beautiful smile or our arms wrap around his skinny self to hug him one more time. Our hearts may always ache because our boy has wandered and he is lost. But we will never forget the time God gave us and we entrust him safely into our Father’s grasp. Maybe we will never again be close in proximity or heart, but God will. He’ll be there, in the nasty, foul, train wreck moments and in the shame, guilt and fear. He won’t leave. He will be in the dark places and He will wait silently on the child He adores. He will keep knocking, but He won’t be a pest. Jesus will never force Himself. He will wait and He will woo. He will keep loving even if He is continually rejected. He will sit there, in all that pain, but He won’t force a rescue. He will always give that choice, accept Me or reject Me.

This I know, many more will cross our path and it is worth the toil. We will keep striving with His energy. Ours is used up. His energy will give us the power to keep going. We will love from Jesus. We will listen, pray, and share from Jesus’ power in us. Grace and more grace, that’s what we will give because we have experienced a life of grace upon grace, the hope of glory! CHRIST.

Dear sisters,

I miss you. I miss hearing what God is doing in your life, your hunger for the Gospel and your crazy obedience to Jesus. I don’t see you anymore, and being so, I don’t know how you are. How is your heart? How is your obedience?

“Only let your manner of life be worthy of the gospel of Christ.” – Philippians 1:27

How do we do that? How are we spending our days, our months and our years? Do our lives have this manner that is worthy of Jesus? Do we live with the power of His presence in us and His love flowing out of us?

Only. This one thing. If we don’t do anything else, is our way of life worthy of the gospel of Jesus Christ?

We can have a great reputation of being alive, when we are dead inside. Are we remembering to fan into flame the gift of God that is in us?

As one body of Christ, with many different functions, as individual members, we belong one to another. Our gifts differ according to the grace given to us and Romans 12:6 says, “let us use them.” Prophecy, serving, exhortation, giving, leading with zeal and acts of mercy are different gifts that belong to each of us.

But, we hold back. We forget the other members need us as much as we need them. We fail to contribute. Maybe it is apathy, inadequacy, fear, failure, time or some other excuse. Our holding back creates disconnections and disappointment from our disobedience of belonging to one another. Our contributions are used as growth for the body of Christ because we are one in Christ. How can we profess our faith in Jesus and not live as one with one another?

Jesus wants to change our hearts. To change our focus. We have been concerned about the wrong things. We have lost time to encourage one another and care for one another in the name of Jesus. We are missing the fullness of the treasure Jesus prayed for us. When we do not live as one, we miss experiencing how Jesus is one with the Father.

If we love Jesus, don’t we want all of it?! How can we live in a mediocre way? Why are we not starving for Him and sharing His goodness every single day? Why would we waste any moments?

Romans 12 shares marks of a true Christian:
• let love be genuine
• hate evil
• cling to what is good
• love one another with brotherly affection
• outdo one another in showing honor
• don’t be lazy in zeal
• be fervent in Spirit
• serve the Lord
• rejoice in hope
• be patient in affliction
• be constant in prayer
• contribute to the needs of the saints
• seek to show hospitality
• bless those who persecute you
• bless and do not curse
• rejoice with those who rejoice
• weep with those who weep
• live in harmony with one another
• don’t be haughty and associate with lowly
• never be wise in your own sight
• repay no one evil for evil
• give thought to what is honorable in the sight of all
• as far as it depends on you, live at peace with all people
• never avenge yourselves, leave it to God’s wrath
• if your enemy is in need, care for him
• overcome evil with good

Sisters, this is the life I want to share with you, the place where we belong to one another and we are one in Jesus as His body. Hold me to His standards and help me live a life that demonstrates the marks of a true follower of Christ. I don’t know how to do it and I need His help through you.

Can we make time for one another? Can we trust one another so deeply that when we hear from Jesus, we can share with one another, even at the risk of wounding, because we believe that wounds from a friend can be trusted? Can we risk contributing our gifts because we believe God wants us to grow from one another? Can we push each other to love Jesus so much that we are comfortable being different from the world? Can we stop caring about things that don’t matter for eternity and expose our blind spots to one another for the things we are caring about that do not matter?

How do I explain? I want to be crazy for Jesus with you. I long to lay down my life with you and for you. I want you to know that you belong to me and I belong to you. I want to share Jesus,with people, with you. I want us to grow together, walk through the refiners fire together, suffer and endure hardship as a good soldier of Christ Jesus beside one another.  I want to serve with you. I want to learn everything you are learning from Jesus and I want to tell you what I’m learning. I want to sacrifice and obey together. We can be more effective together. We can hold up each other’s arms when we are weak. We can spur each other on when we want to quit. We can speak truth, in love, to one another. We can pray together. We can see God do miracles because we believe together. We can grow our faith, hope and endurance together.

Our future may be one more day or 50 more years and I want to journey it with you. I want to turn grey with you. I want to give my life away with you. I want us to care for one another. I want to see more people come to know Jesus. I want us to baptize people. I want to see us look less and less like this world. I want us to look more like Jesus tomorrow than we do today. I want Him to use us completely so that when we go we’ve given everything for the sake of His name. I want you to challenge me to live more simply every day. I want you to push me to pray without ceasing and hide the Word of God in my heart. I want you to expose my yuck and push me behind Christ when I try to get in front of Him. And if ever I start to walk away from Jesus, for the cares of this world, I want you to tackle me to the ground and wake me up.

I love you sisters. God has more for us. Let’s go for it. He has called us. He has chosen us. He has a purpose for our lives. He has given us gifts from His grace. Please, let’s keep running.

“The grace of the Lord Jesus be with you. My love be with you all in Christ Jesus.”
– 1 Corinthians 16:23-24

When all the world crashes on my head, hope stands. Life is a trust rope and hope is the courage to walk on that rope; to risk living a life dependent on Jesus. Jesus is hope whether the rope is taunt or wobbly, frayed or crisp. Even if evil yanks the rope right out from under me, unties it or cuts it apart, Jesus will catch me. Hope is choosing to trust Jesus, to expect with full confidence that He always does what He promised.

Do my actions create a delight for Jesus, obedience to His word and faithfulness to His leading? When a friend tells me “there is never going to be hope, so why hope?” I wonder… how I could have demonstrated hope differently? How could my life somehow impact a friend’s belief system so no matter what horrid comes, hope does not disappoint? Hope endures. Hope never fails.

“Yes, and I will rejoice, for I know that through your prayers and the help of the Spirit of Jesus Christ this will turn out for my deliverance, as it is my eager expectation and hope that I will not be at all ashamed, but that with full courage now as always Christ will be honored in my body, whether by life or by death. For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain.” – Philippians 1:18-21

How can a friend know my Father and come to the belief system of no hope? Jesus is hope. Hope, in the flesh, came for us. Hope died to demonstrate death could be defeated. Hope sat up and breathed, walked along the road with friends and showed the scar in His side. Hope lives. Hope waits for us. Hope promises that this world is not our home. Hope is coming for us.

Our life is filled with trials and difficulty, but for anyone closely associated to me to believe that hope is “no more” breaks my heart. I feel crushed and despondent wondering how in the world can I prove hope endures. Does my life not demonstrate hope? Do my words not explain it?

The tire on our car keeps going flat.
A trailer is stolen.
The co-worker is disgruntled.
Money is tight.
Friends abandon.
Relationships have drama.
Anger is heaped on my head.
Food runs through me.
Work compounds.
A child is sick.
On and on…

“Indeed, we felt that we had received the sentence of death. But that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead.” – 2 Corinthians 1:9

Peace is not some feel good moment, where our hearts beat with delight, and everything feels right in the world. A fruit of the Spirit is peace. Peace is an evidence of Jesus working in our lives and developing His attributes in us. Peace demonstrates that we have killed the flesh, burying what we want or wanted for all Jesus has for us. Peace is trusting and hoping in Him when we cannot see the solution, when our hearts still ache and our emotions are undone. Peace is way past our fears to a deep knowing that Jesus is not leaving us, not now and not ever.

“For through the Spirit, by faith, we ourselves eagerly wait for the hope of righteousness.” – Galatians 5:5

The all of the Spirit leads us away from the satisfaction of the flesh. The Spirit kills the flesh of money, possessions, power, emotional highs, entertainment, self. We forget ourselves because we become so enamored by the Spirit and it’s attributes. We want to want the Spirit over our own flesh wants.

No more catering to my flesh…
– for coffee ice cream
– “deserved” vacations
– profitable jobs
– easy friendships
– glasses of wine
– weekend entertainment
– quiet
– extra money in the bank
– freedom from trials
– people who appreciate me

What my flesh wants is about “me” and walking in the Spirit is not about “me,” it’s a life about HIM. Even if what my flesh wants isn’t perceived by the world as “bad,” it does not mean I should “get” what I want. My flesh is not a safe barometer to gauge what I need. To walk in the Spirit is to demonstrate the fruit of the Spirit.

How do we manifest the fruit? Our focus is no longer about ourselves. We focus on walking by the Spirit. Am I gentle? Were my actions kind? Did my response show patience? Do I experience joy anyway, even if nothing “works out” like I wanted? Do I have self-control with my attitude, tongue and body language? Am I faithful to Jesus and to the people around me?

“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.” – Galatians 5:22-24

Nothing about life is easy, but ease doesn’t give me hope.

Nothing about life fuels my worldly expectations, but my desires don’t give me hope.

Nothing about my life focuses on me, but “me” doesn’t give me hope.

Nothing about what I want supersedes the circumstances and life my Father has for me.

Hope is like Jesus glue, holding my fragile mess together, teaching me I can trust Him, growing my perseverance, stretching my heart to love more and deeper, and waiting for the One who is faithful.

“Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him.” – James 1:12

For what is to come, in Jesus I hope.

Hey, life, I hate you and I love you.  How can that be possible?! But seriously that’s how I pretty much feel every single day. A love hate relationship with this thing I wake up and face over and over again.

Food impacts us more than we want to realize. It’s necessary. We have to consume at some point or we will die. Do we have enough for a sack of millie meal? Can we afford veggies? We calculate the cost. Or we don’t.

We “have” to have food so we justify our careless expenditures. We buy what we want and feed this insatiable desire for more. For variety. We are experts at justification. We don’t think to pray about our food costs or if we should grab something quick from the little truck vendor.

Restaurants smell good and beckon us with a wide variety of delicacies. Fried food. Homemade tacos. Fresh seafood.

Holidays find us indulgent with braai’s, turkey feasts, and more food than we can eat. We find the celebrations joyous. The air is filled with the laughter of friends or family.

The Bible mentions lots of feasts, some to celebrate the goodness of the Lord and meditate on His faithfulness.

Is food wrong? No, we must eat to live. Food is a necessity. We can survive for a while with no food and only water, but eventually we must eat or we will die. Food is sustaining and life giving.

We can easily distort it. We can find ourselves eating because we are happy and because we are sad. We binge eat and some even make themselves purge afterwards from the guilt. Food can be the legal drug, an escape from our anxiety or a friend in our loneliness. Over consumption puts our health at risk and could kill us. God’s word calls out gluttony as sin, on the same playing field as lust, worry or gossip.

How do we have a healthy response to food in the midst of our desire to be satisfied? How do we decide how much money we will spend on food this month or how much we will visit the local restaurants?

Could it be possibly that we should pray about everything? Is that an insane notion to involve the God of the universe in our trips to the grocery? Should we ask him about going out with friends on Friday night? Does He care about what we eat or how we spend our money?

Here’s a few scriptures for us to think about…

“So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.”

– 1 Corinthians 10:31

When we partake from the table, is our eating and drinking for the glory of God? So many times I’ve sat at the table and haven’t considered the glory of God. His glory hasn’t crossed my mind as I’ve eaten chips and salsa or a pan of brownies. His glory isn’t my focus when I open the fridge and say “we don’t have anything,” when in reality, we have plenty, just not what I want.

Every holiday I think or say outloud, “I feel like I am going to throw up.” I eat too much. And don’t talk about bar food because I like all of it and want some right now just thinking about it. How many times have I gone for dinner with friends for “the experience” and dropped several days worth of wages on one meal that lasted a few hours.

God is merciful people. All my eating and drinking has not been for God’s glory. I want that to change.

“I am the Lord your God, who brought you up out of the land of Egypt. Open your mouth wide, and I will fill it.”

– Psalm 81:10

He gives us everything we need. Everything. I find this amazing. We haven’t bought food in years and we’ve always had enough. He does fill it. He keeps our fridge, freezer and pantry full and overflowing. And here I am, just as much a wanderer as those Israelites. Sometimes maybe He is saying to us like He did them, “slow down, pray, trust me.” The modern equivalent of “open your mouth wide and I will fill it.”  If I could only remember tomorrow the clarity I have right now that He is my God and He has my life, my next steps, my meals, and everything else. Maybe it’s irony, but food is teaching me to trust Him.

Leftovers have this new, beautiful meaning to me. It’s His preparing for the next meal before we’ve finished with the one we are on. Leftovers are extra to share and an opportunity to bless others. Leftovers make room for hospitality and having someone to dinner at the last minute. We don’t have to gorge ourselves as the same yummy can be a delight from Jesus the next day.

Remember the people hungry for Jesus and listening to Him teach on the mountainside. They were learning so much spiritually, when He realized they were becoming physically hungry. He performed a miracle with the little boy’s loaves and fish and even had the disciples gather the leftovers when everyone was done eating. Do you ever wonder if that extra provision is what He and the disciples ate for their next meals? No matter, He was teaching them to be a good stewart of His provision and to save it for later. Seems simple and little, but maybe Jesus does not want us to waste either. If food goes bad in our fridge because we bought too much or we forgot to serve the leftovers, I wonder if we are forgetting to “do it all for the glory of God.”

“But he answered, “It is written, “‘Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that comes from the mouth of God.’”

– Matthew 4:4

My heart hears Jesus reminding me, want Me more than milkshakes, fried potatoes or raw oysters. Want Me more than a night out without kids. Want Me more than My provision. The delight of sushi, steak and seafood should pale in comparison to Jesus.

Unfortunately that’s not always been my story. I haven’t always listened for His voice, read His Word with eagerness, or been desperate for a touch from Jesus. But, He is changing me. He’s changing my desires. He is opening up my mind to things I’ve never considered. He’s giving me a desire to bring glory to God with what I eat, drink and do.

“Yet he did not leave himself without witness, for he did good by giving you rains from heaven and fruitful seasons, satisfying your hearts with food and gladness.”

– Acts 14:17

He is satisfying me, deeply. He provides me with gladness. I praise Him for the warm potato soup and hot tea on a cold day. Every meal we have a witness of His faithfulness. I want to eat with that delight… for the blessing said, before the consumption, to mean something! Gone need to be the days of my picky choices and ungrateful attitude. He’s changing me and I want to praise Him. I want to tell of His goodness in the land of the living. I want to delight in trusting Him for cereal and milk. The acorn squash has never tasted sweeter.

Thankfulness cannot be my November fix. He’s calling us to live moment to moment with gratitude, praising Him for the right now. So, I praise him for the pickled cucumbers, the red skinned potato salad and the bag of yellow onions. Every bit of it is good and from His gracious open hand. Let’s take the gift with delight, being wise, caring for our bodies, in moderation, and with great joy.

Everything brings us back to worship. Meals are for His glory, it’s not about comforting ourselves, indulging or wanting. My mind can hardly understand all the “nooks and crannies” of such a life where EVERYTHING is for His glory. Maybe the point is not trying to understand, but seeking from His strength to go for it!

All for His glory.

“For this I toil, struggling with all His energy that He powerfully works within me.” – Colossians 1:29

This is Christ, the hope of glory. And for Him,  we (our Jesus family) will toil, struggling with ALL His energy that He so powerfully works in us.

Every day we are toiling.

Why toil? Why work until our bodies are ready to collapse? What is this purpose of giving out every morsel of energy that He is working in us?

Oh to realize a life of Colossians 1:28 in which the deeds and truth of our lives will say: “Him (Christ) we proclaim, warning everyone and teaching everyone with all wisdom, that we may present everyone mature in Christ.”

The toiling is growing us. We are better for the paint that hasn’t yet made it off our fingers, the aching joints, and the exhaustion of giving more than we’ve got. His energy kept us awake and fully present during the late night phone call, the time we needed to pray and reflect, and for the hours we needed to sit still and listen. He is working maturity in Christ, in all of us, through our loving toil.

The toiling is costing us. Our bodies ache. Our hearts rejoice with some while simultaneously grieving with others.  The time is precious sweet and we are learning in the toil to share it freely, without regard of how it impacts the rest of our day, our responsibilities and the duties that still must be done. We are being pushed, with a Holy Spirit presence, from an energy not our own. We, our fleshly power, gave out years ago, but the well of delight seems to run deeper and deeper still. Somehow we sweep the floor one more time, make another meal and go so used up that we forget to brush our teeth before we fall into bed. The reserve is near empty, but yet somehow it keeps giving out water.

See, we embody the source of true and never ending living water. Jesus is the living water, the source of all power and strength.  His attributes are freely at our disposal. Our privilege is our toil. He gives us work for works sake. We can look past the provision and the accomplishment to His glory. And we can rest and bask in what only He could do.

“It is the Spirit who gives life; the flesh is no help at all.” – John 6:63

Our lives are portraying a living hope, a courage that goes farther, longer and deeper than our flesh ever could. The Spirit settles into us in ways that seem incomprehensible and changes us to look more like Jesus and less like ourselves. Nothing about it makes worldly sense, but we feel the life welling up inside us when we meet Jesus. He starts infiltrating every little part of our lives. We start to really believe that this Jesus life will allow us to live forever, because Jesus came to give life to the world. No longer do we have to find ourselves unsatisfied. The riches of the Lord take up a holy residence in the depths of who we are and we start to live by its power. We have a reservoir that never runs dry.

The toiling is stabilizing us. Our foundational life is from the power in us. God is doing the work. We are the vessel He is graciously using. He’s taking us into harder places and what we were once afraid of starts to seem so easy. What we previously termed as sacrifice, we realize was never sacrifice at all. We keep toiling because we realize the power of God is working out our faith. We are growing from this hard and He is making all the rough places smooth in us. We are weak, but our Spirit is willing. And the more we surrender, the more level the ground is beneath our shaking feet.

The toiling is our refining exposure to vulnerability, fears and weakness. The Spirit is opening up our eyes to the things we didn’t see in ourselves. The raw is healing us. The stretch is breaking us out of the mold we tried to create for ourselves and transforming us into the people we were destined to be. The sanctification will take all the days of our lives, but we are committed to run the race and keep the faith. Trusting. We will keep toiling and daring nakedness, before our Father, as we know our flesh is no help at all.

The toiling is for Jesus. He is our very life and we delight in His promises. The toiling brings the promises alive. We see His power manifested in our weakness. We believe more and more that Jesus is real and we will proclaim him, warning and sharing everything we learn, anticipating the day we will together be presented mature in Christ. He is the hope of glory and He lives in us through the Spirit. We have been given life and so we toil to learn how to live this life He has given us.

When I was a girl we had Oreos in the cupboard, blueberry muffins every morning and fish sticks waiting in the freezer. Luxury foods that I didn’t realize were luxury. On Saturdays we ran errands. I went to the grocery, the beauty parlor, to the shops for new clothing, and to the movies. We fed cows, sold rocks at a mercantile store, and rode horses or ATV’s.

When I was still in high school, my parents gave me a paid for, beat up truck to drive and then upgraded me to a “granny” reliable car. Two cars, paid for, given to me, before I graduated from university.

My first job paid relocation costs, sent me to an all expense paid training for three weeks, provided a company car, benefits, a hefty paycheck and matching funds. Education “proved” to be entitled. My own badge, desk, stapler, computer, and a shared secretary. I’m not even kidding.

Married. Secure. Money. Travel. Fancy food. My palette desired the finer things. Entertainment. Theater, dance, movies, golf, biking, camping, exploring, museums, jazz. Cultured. Photography, wine, cheese. I liked it, I loved it. I wanted more of it.

A home. Decorating, renovations, tile projects, painting, hardwoods. Dinner parties. Steak. Strawberry shortcake.  Pool parties. Fireworks. House guests. Bible studies. Movie nights. Games. Bonfires.

Kids. Miscarriage. Kid one. Kid two. Epidural wimp, give it to me when I’m dilated to four centimeters. Breast feeding. Stay at home mom.

Work as ministry. Life turned upside down. All for Jesus. What does that mean?!

Faith. Living by faith. Are you serious God? I can’t do this. I met that one woman once that prayed for everything. She saw God in everything. Cool stories. She kept Christian music playing in her home. Somehow her kids went to private school.  A stranger gave her a van. Right before she ran out of food, she would find a bag at her front door. No way that was about to be our story. Really??

Eight years of marriage, and then we became poor.  Only money poor, the paper stuff. But poor, according to the poverty chart, and in comparison to our friends.

Eight years of ease, hardship had to come before we began to experience rich.

We started the adventure of poor. We shared a car, instead of having two. We walked our kids to school. We prayed for food. We wore the clothes our friends no longer wanted. All our entertainment had to be free. We began learning how to live without spending money.

And our poor has always been an underlying secret. We can’t worry our parents. The business and ministry require obedience when the money is low and faith has to hold us. Our kitchen is open and one of our greatest lessons in open-handed living. We have never fed more people or had more food. 100 meals served every week, easy.

Until we lived poor, we didn’t understand rich.  Today, we are God rich. We are learning dependency on the One who is faithful. We are learning to trust Him in all things. And the trusting can be very hard. We are out of control and that out of control gives us a longing for Him to be in control. We need Him and we want more of Him. He’s our hope and our song. He’s our salvation, not only from hell, but for every day. He’s saving us daily and every day we are falling more in love with Him.

Now, we have no idea how to relate to other people, the ones we look like on the outside. We don’t live like them and for us to be real with them is to be different from them. For them to be real with us is to be different from us. If we can focus on Jesus, we have a common denominator. But often, the focus is on the temporary and our temporary clashes. Man that makes me sad, but we can’t and we won’t go back to what life use to be.

As we spend our lives ministering to the poor in our community, it is amazing to personally relate to them. We work long days, but it does not get us ahead. We eat expired food. Our clothing has holes.  We learn the urgency of self-control and sharing. Errands no longer occupy our time as errands require resources. We learn the free – parks, libraries, festivals, museums. We enjoy worship music, listening to stories and reading.

Travel is luxury which demands fuel, lodging, and meals. Travel requires transport, time off work, luggage. Sometimes God gives us free. Amazing stories. Humbling. Leaves me in tears. Prayer and waiting on God. He is full of surprises.

Limited resources teach us how to say no to good for what is best. To survive on little is to find contentment in little, to have joy in the pleasures of ordinary or what others may view as lack. Limited resources delight in the gift card for a cup of coffee, learn the enjoyment of leftovers, use the shampoo that makes our friend’s hair dry, and enjoy the comforts of a warm fire. We learn to treasure people over possessions, leaving the bushes half trimmed to listen to a friend, loaning our car to someone which leaves us at home, or visiting a friend in the hospital which makes dinner late.

By the way, meals take a long time because limited resources omit convenience. Drive thrus are too expensive and inexpensive, healthy food always takes prep time. The pinto beans have to sit in water for hours. Veggies must be chopped. Meals require creativity because we rarely have all the ingredients that a recipe requires. The complication of meals bring the family into the kitchen. The prep work can involve everyone, we can jam to music and have fun.   We don’t eat meat a lot and eating only green beans or only popcorn can be very normal. When a friend invites us for dinner and they serve a meat, three sides, bread and dessert the delight is all ours. We treasure the treat and feel like royalty.

School requires many trips to the library and watching for what we can learn from the free. The adventure is finding the free and learning to experience the opportunities to the full. Field trips can be done through career exploration, nature and friendships with all different cultures. Relationships are our most valuable asset as every person we know can teach from their own lens of influence. We learn to notice what others excel in and glean from their wisdom and expertise. Living without teaches us the value of learning from all. Education becomes a way of life, more than a school project, spelling test or math worksheet.

Work often takes longer hours, with less financial results, but the privilege is to work as worship to Jesus. We must learn to fight against comparison and delight in the work God has given us. We all have a duty to contribute to the world, whether we receive compensation or not. Our investment in community should never be contingent on what we get. Many in poverty travel hours to get to a job and hours to get home. They collapse from exhaustion every day, but they do it again and again. Survival is a powerful contributor, but even if resources or circumstances can not afford us compensation, we still have the privilege and duty to contribute to the body of Christ. As the Word says, we are trusting our contribution will meet another’s need so that in turn another’s contribution will meet our need. (2 Corinthians 8:14) God is changing our perspective.

As our lifestyle has changed, the differences have become our normal. I don’t feel poor, deprived, slighted. Nothing about me wants to go back to carefree days; those days of depending on ourselves and not Christ. The entertainment, indulgence and ease always left me wanting more. I didn’t know what the more was until I realized… I wanted more of Jesus. I couldn’t hear His voice when we provided for ourselves. I couldn’t see His work when I was focused on mine. I couldn’t feel His embrace when my heart wasn’t fragile. I couldn’t toil and strive for the Lord until my hope was set on the living God. I couldn’t taste His provision when I believed we did it for ourselves.  I couldn’t share in His glory if I didn’t share in His suffering.  I couldn’t really love others until I experienced more of His love for me. I couldn’t be rich until I became poor.

Praying for fruit – blueberries, strawberries, blackberries, pears, apples, oranges and bananas. Praying for veggies – kale, spinach, beets, zucchini, squash, ginger, broccoli and sweet potatoes. Here describes the life of a juice fast when you don’t have money to buy any food and your husband has committed to an indefinite juice only fast.

The commitment is to God, not man. God knows what we need before we ask, so we wait in hope. Trusting the God that owns the cattle on a thousand hills, will provide us the food we need for another week. Maybe it seems audacious to assume God will provide fruit and veggies, but why wouldn’t He if He called a man to such a thing.

“Now may the God of peace, who through the blood of the eternal covenant brought back from the dead our Lord Jesus, that great Shepherd of the sheep, equip you with everything good for doing his will, and may he work in us what is pleasing to him, through Jesus Christ, to whom be glory for ever and ever. Amen.” – Hebrews 13:20-21

If God can bring His Son back from the dead, why would we question His ability to equip us with everything good for doing His will. But we do. On Friday, eighteen extra people stopped by, fourteen of which needed to eat lunch. The bananas, the tangerines and most of the apples disappeared, gone into the hungry bellies of little kids and tired mamas. And that was the right thing to do.

As I prepared a Friday juice lunch, I counted what we had left, about two meals. There I was at the kitchen sink, cleaning the juicer, and praying “please God send us some fruit and veggies.”

Then, a friend opened the back door, ready to give in abundance from the abundance given to her. In walked a handful of apples, limes, a sweet potato, cantaloupes and some spinach. A few more meals covered in this juice fasting trust.

Did the people following Moses want to trust God daily for the manna He consistently provided? Probably not.  They probably preferred to have some stored up, wanting a little control, with the knowledge they could survive another week, not just one more day. Isn’t that more how we live? We want to know that we have enough money for the bills we have this month, and enough in reserve for the next six months, in case something happens. We want our kitchen to have enough for several meals, not one meal. Many of us have overflow in a cabinet or a freezer. We could probably survive on what we have for a month, maybe longer. But what if??

What if what? What are we afraid of?

We are afraid of waiting, of feeling hunger, of experiencing want. Maybe we are afraid we will have to eat something we don’t like or even something that has gone bad because we’ve stored it too long. It could be pride, the thought that our parents may stop by for a surprise visit or our best friend from primary school. Irrational really, but real. We like control and term it “prepared.”

What if we played a trust game with our family and lived on the food in our homes and just watched how long it would last. Maybe more than a month, maybe some of us could make it half a year. Yea, we would have to eat random things together, and maybe some of it wouldn’t be our favorites, but Jesus would sustain us with the can of fruit cocktail, the bag of popcorn and the green beans.

Why do we eat? Is it more than sustenance? Does food provide some comfort for us for a few moments? Or is it some experience to get what we want?  Is our consumption from selfishness, the desire of special treats, variety and taste. Is food an idol or an escape? Do we have other motives besides living?

Food seems so simple, but often it becomes complex too. We find ourselves grouchy when we are out of milk or the lettuce seems a little wilted or the chips are stale. Our nastiness can be exposed in meal moments, in the need to prepare when we want to eat right now, and when we realize someone else ate what we wanted. Oh that it would have no hold on us, that I wouldn’t keep looking for something “I feel like” and that my heart would be full of gratitude for what is. Maybe this has never happened to you, but I’ve opened the fridge, full of food, and said, “we have nothing to eat.” The real is… we didn’t have what I wanted.

Contentment. A longing in my heart for more of it. Contentment to use the little square napkins when we are out of toilet paper, because God did provide, that was the toilet paper. Contentment for the waiting and praying for the money for the kids school test, found in the console of our vehicle, the night before the registration deadline. God brought the manna.

How does He do it? There are millions of us and somehow He hears my prayers and all those others who are praying at the same time. My mind is blown every time I think about it. He hears me and He loves me. He hears you and loves you too. Ahhh, that’s good!

He gave me life today. My heart beat without me thinking about it. My eyes blinked incessantly, as He intended, and I never noticed. When I stood up to walk, my legs moved and I didn’t think to instruct them. My kidneys worked and told my mind when I needed the restroom. My fingers typed and my hand held a mug. My ears worked today and I heard music, stories from friends and laughter. I never considered that today I might not hear or taste or feel. For another 16 hours my body was awake and it all functioned without me considering if it would.

Friends came over tonight and they wanted juice. So we shared. Others asked for oranges and we said sure. How could we not? We have enough for tomorrow and the next day too. The fruit and veggies keep multiplying. Enough to share the rutabaga, kale, kiwi, strawberries, apples, oranges and lime.

Nothing about me has mastered this trusting. If God can do food, He can handle money too. But money manna, dang that still scares me, even after ten years. It can feel so foolish, maybe as foolish as it sounds to trust for food. Yet, He did the money manna so many times this past week too.  When I woke up at 4am in a panic, He wasn’t finished.  When the check made it to the bank only 30 minutes before it closed, He never fretted, that was only me. Call me an Israelite, I’m still scared of the “give us this daily bread” phrase in that prayer Jesus taught us to pray. He’s talking about trusting for the manna, trusting for today. Oh humanity get out of the way.

One thing I know, every time it’s last second and He does it, I’m reminded our life is for His glory and not ours. Please God receive all the glory because it’s all Yours. We are powerless, with nothing but a desperation for You to do what we can’t, which has proven time and time again to be everything. We cannot sell the next project, buy the next apple, pay the next bill. We really cannot. Without Jesus we are nothing and we have become fully convinced that Jesus is everything.

“For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have? Do not even the tax collectors do the same? And if you greet only your brothers, what more are you doing than others? Do not even the Gentiles do the same?” – Matthew 5:46-46

Our back door is unlocked. always.

Anyone can walk in the door at any time, and they do.  We do not know how many people come in and out of our home in a week or a month. If only the toilet paper and coffee could talk.

The food never runs out. Ever. Nothing about it is rational. We are always having a new idea of how to create something from nothing and I smile knowing that’s Jesus. All good comes from Him, not us. We are learning Jesus math multiplication, not a formula that makes sense to any finite mind.

Little groups cluster, playing instruments, laughing at blunders, debating theology and confessing sins. When God said, “use your home for my glory,” I never knew it would look like this.

Friends work on their laptops while others clean the dishes. Someone grabs a shower and others watch a documentary. Board games anyone? Laughter, heated discussions, attentive listening and brokenness mingle together. We are a people in need of Jesus.

The house is quiet this morning, except the hum of the dryer and the dishwasher, as people spend time with Jesus, study, read and work. Interruptions are “What do you think about this?” or “pray with me about this.”

We leave for the day and find more food has been left in the fridge and the pantry. The laundry has been done and left folded in the basket. Someone cleaned the bathroom. We don’t need to be overwhelmed with the house, the stuff, the cleaning.

Friends walk in and ask, “what can I do to help?” Please straighten the coffee table, put ice in the glasses, can you grate these tomatoes? Check on the kids outside, build a fire, wipe down the bathroom counter. We are learning to live life together.

Years ago we lived life with a locked door and it was different. We cooked dinner for ourselves, a different meal every night, experiencing with the finest foods for ourselves. We spent hours in front of the television and hundreds at restaurants. We didn’t know what we were missing. We were an indulgent lot, satisfying ourselves instead of thinking of others. We sat around dreaming about what “we” were going to do next, our next vacation, our next house project, what furniture we wanted, the next “we” toy. I remember dreaming about toys like bikes, boats, televisions, camping gear, and a vacation house.

Some dreams we really worked for, to treat ourselves. We bought these awesome mountain racing bikes, top of the line, and spent many Sunday afternoons riding them. We bought a big grill for braai’s. We bought nice clothes and expensive sunglasses. We spent for ourselves, thinking about ourselves and with the intention of delighting ourselves. A large majority of our dreams became a reality through travel expenses that involved new experiences, fuel, food, hotels, adventures and amazing entertainment. Sure, we could justify that we included some people in our fun. We biked with friends, we cooked for friends, we traveled with friends and we were entertained with friends.

Our house was a place where we slept, a place we washed clothes for the next trip, a place we secured, and a place we left empty almost every weekend. The paradox being that we always spent money updating the house, looking for what new decor we wanted and what party we could host.

The reality about the life of our locked door was life was about us not others. Life was about what we wanted, not what someone else may have needed. Life was about ourselves. We never prayed about those selfish dreams. We made them happen from our own abilities. We never checked with Jesus as to whether how we were living was how He wanted us to live. We did what we wanted and that was our reality.

How did God change us? How did he teach us to unlock the door and let the world in? To leave the population of “me” mentality?

We really don’t know.

God worked in us, changing us in ways we could never have changed ourselves.

We know it took time, risk, thousands of baby steps and a hideaway key. Before we left the house unlocked, we learned to tell people how ‘to gain access.’ When we were home, we learned to yell, “it’s unlocked, come in.”

A storm hit our city and a friend needed to shower after his night shift, the neighbor needed sugar and eggs, someone was going camping and needed to borrow a sleeping bag, another was going on a mission trip and needed the guitar case. Our hideaway key is right here, we would show them. Walk in and get what you need.

One day we realized, we couldn’t make a list of all the people who knew how to get into our house. If everything disappeared from our house, we would not be able to prove that it was not stolen from the people we know. People started leaving items for other people. Others were showing others the location of the key. No one was knocking anymore.

Maybe that is when trust showed up.

Nothing about the stuff mattered. When a foster family needed a chest of drawers we shared and when we needed shampoo someone gave us three bottles. When we didn’t have a car someone shared with us for two years and our living room became a bedroom to sleep more people.  Families  needed food and God opened our pantry and freezer.

The closets and the vanity cabinets do not seem so private anymore. Nothing of our life is hidden. People see our unmade bed or dirty clothes on the floor. They dig in our medicine cabinet for headache medication, q-tips or Neosporin.  They see the plastic dish catching the water under the sink, the ring we haven’t cleaned in the toilet and the dust on our sofa table.

We are exposed. The door is unlocked and nothing bad happened. We realize the world relates to our mess, to our hoarding, to our heart-level brokenness. When the door is unlocked, we can fellowship with one another, we can serve others and we can practice the love the pastor preaches at the church building.

Yea, we lost some of our lazy.  Our time is not always our own. We don’t delight our palettes with gourmet food much anymore. Our weekends are other kinds of entertainment. The whims are different. The furniture has more stains and the hardwoods more scratches. Toys get broken and left outside in the rain. Our money is more than “ours” these days or maybe the definition of “ours” changed to encompass more people.

The unlocked door helps us be more alive. It’s crazy, but the free creative vacations are more exciting than the ones that cost hundreds. Transport is more about “from here to there” than about what it looks like and how few miles. The restaurant outings are appreciated and the clothing, makeup and shoes don’t matter any more.

“Who’s that at the door?” I wonder, as I hear the door creak with the turn of the knob and that familiar push against the door casing. My eyes look up. In walks…

laughter.

tears.

despair.

hope.

prayer warrior.

courage.

faith.

questioning.

joy.

bitterness.

love.

The hideaway key is still there, but today it seems obsolete. To use it means someone locked the door.

Why would we ever lock the door?