Hey, life, I hate you and I love you. How can that be possible?! But seriously that’s how I pretty much feel every single day. A love hate relationship with this thing I wake up and face over and over again.
I hate getting out of bed. Every morning I feel tired, panicked and overwhelmed that I have to do another day. But, every day I am thankful I can breathe, can see my kids, love one more person and experience one more God story. So many times I quote scripture to get myself pumped up to even come out from under the covers, already afraid of the “I hate my life” portions that day may bring. Trouble finds me. I don’t have to go looking. Grace and mercy finds me too and heaps itself over me every single day. Maybe grace and mercy is why I feel so safe under a blanket because I am wrapped all up in one whether you can see it or not.
What I love – Jesus. How He shows up and surprises me constantly. We have coffee and our rigged up grinder still works. Last week I really wanted to take my kids to a play, because if I could give my kids a fine arts education I would. Something about creativity through music, art, dance and drama is so beautiful to me. Anywho, this week they won free tickets to a play. Really Jesus? You care that I want to take my kids to plays? His love blows me away. All His provision gets me. Yea, I talk about it a lot, but wow, doesn’t it still blow your mind too when He provides more than we can hope or imagine. Maybe different than we hoped or imagined, but definitely more. For us, it’s never been more than we can hope for or imagine as far as money or possessions, but in appreciation of beauty, sunsets, quilts, flowers and basic necessities. It’s the more energy, more endurance, more courage, more sticktoitiveness than would have ever been possible without Him. Jesus has this crazy ability to expand our hearts and equip us to love one more person, whether they receive us or reject us. What I love is that Jesus is with me through every step.
What I love – my family. They see every bit of my awful and love me anyway. They make me chai tea and stop what they are doing to run me a replacement tissue roll. They tolerate and even ignore all my anxiety and flip outs, giving me more grace than I ever deserve. They help me vacuum the floor, pray with me, cuddle with me and listen to me. They are the best people in the world.
What I love – seeing God work, every single day. It’s insane really. He’s always working and He lets me see some of what He is up to ever single day. I’m spoiled in the God stories.
What I hate – sin. It seriously screws up everything. Mine and everyone else’s. Sin is the wild card of every one of my days and I hate it. My anxiety can make me the grouchiest person on this planet. I hate that about my life. It sneaks up and it steals my day, paralyzing me and internally destroying me. The thing about anxiety is I walk around trying to hide it and I’m so zoned out and distracted, lost in the stress of this situation, plus this one, plus another one, until it is a heap of so much uncontrollably scenarios that I want to be in my bathroom in the fetal position right now.
What I hate – money. How can sheets of paper make me so crazy? But it drives me batty, the little or the lack there of. Listen, I’m not trying to get rich, just pay the bills. And guess what, we have done just that for years. But it can still get me, distract me and discourage me. What a waste of time!
What I hate – drama. Life is full of drama, it just is. If we wake up and talk to another human being, we are likely to experience some variation. Talk to 25 people in a day and then we might feel like we need to not speak, move very slowly, or stay seated in one place to counteract the chaos around us. Sitting there doing nothing only contributes to the drama, so we have to open the door, answer the phone and eventually read the emails. Dang it.
And then there are the love and hates simultaneously that are busting up inside of me.
I love being around people and hate being around people. Doesn’t that sound so jerkish?! But it’s real – l love laughing and listening and dreaming and then I hate noise and chatter and ideas. Stimulate my brain and quit talking to me all at the same time. Give me a hug, but please don’t touch me. Invite me for lunch, but please cancel before I have to come. My feelings are hurt and I am relieved. Please give me silence. Don’t call me, write. Maybe this is how every introvert feels? I love you, but do we really have to get together? I promise, I’m not going to cancel on you even when I want to.
I love to preserve food and I hate to preserve food. I love to preserve because our family has food to eat and it’s usually amazingly healthy. And usually when we preserve, we laugh a lot. I hate to preserve because sometimes it takes forever and makes my back feel all jacked up. The other thing is when you deal with food all the time you can forget to eat. I should take better care of myself than I do, but I forget.
I love to experience new things and I hate it. Mainly I hate it because experiences take energy and I’m fresh out. Oh, and often new experiences mean new people. Which means talking and listening to more people. I love new experiences because I appreciate the world and all the goodness of it and I can have fun taking a Zumba class in the middle of a park or riding a boat down a swampy river. Someone is really good at everything I am not and I find that reality so fascinating and encouraging. The someones get to be good at that and that and that and that so I don’t have to. It’s how the body of Christ works and I love that. My friend’s kid plays the violin and this other friend of mine is a seamstress, both pretty amazing gifts, that I never have to learn, because I know people.
I love observing people’s passions and sometimes I really hate observing people’s passions. The cool ones are the love for children, special needs, old people, serving and Jesus. Watching people love other people is the highlight of my day, the way someone goes to the store for a stranger or makes a friend laugh that is hurting. The hate ones are the passions where people are stuck in their phones, their distractions, their interests, all in front of the line to the people who are longing to me loved. When people come over to spend time with us and spend time playing games on their phone, I want to scream “get out.” In those moments I feel so unloved.
I even love sleep and hate it. Sleep takes time, time I don’t have, so I don’t get enough of it. I love sleep while it lasts and hate when it ends. I love to receive the rest. I hate to battle through nightmares and stress. Sometimes it’s really good and other times it’s awful. If I could sleep on the couch in the middle of every day I would.
I love that everyone is my neighbor and sometimes I hate it. I love that as followers of Jesus we have the opportunity to love everyone and to lay down our lives for our best friends, strangers and enemies. I hate that people despise me, feel guilt and stay away from me because my life makes them feel bad. Sometimes it really hurts that the choice to love your neighbor means losing people you deeply love. How my life can inspire you one moment and repulse you the next is really confusing to me. Could you maybe quit analyzing my life and love me as your neighbor?
As I beg You to help me get up today, I feel like I cannot breath. Every bit of me wants to stay in bed. Fears within, troubles without. I’m scared of today. My life freaks me out. But, in a minute I am going to love today and love my life. I’m gonna remember how rich I am, the silence is going to be precious, or someone is going to text me an amazing God moment, and I will remember why it is important to trust another day to Jesus. All that remembering, noticing and experiencing of HIM will remind me, one more time, how much I do love life more than I hate it.