Letting Go of Control

Jason Waltman and I had no idea where life would take us when we got married in 1999.

In our early years, we traveled all the time, tried all the restaurants, and in general lived for ourselves despite saying we were followers of Jesus. We were more like church people and then “do what we want” people. Inconsistent really, without even realizing it. Chasing dreams because life was about us and nothing else. We worked to play.

When life tossed us a curve ball, we realized life is way more than how much money we have in the bank, what adventure we are chasing next, where we live, or who we know.

Risking everything to start a construction company and then a non-profit wasn’t what we were looking to do for a good time. We were learning God’s plan for our lives and not ours. I fought His plan, because it was hard, and who likes hard.

But slowly, God transformed me, exposing me to a life outside of myself, and I started to realize I had been trying to be in control when we are never in control.

When our kids were 4 and 5 we started living by faith in every aspect of our lives. It was hard. I knew God was faithful, but my body flipped out. I didn’t know how to “let go and let God.” People say that phrase all the time, but seriously… it is impossible without Him.

My anxiety was a beast. I couldn’t breathe for about 13-14 years. During that time I learned how to pray because you cannot worry and pray at the same time.

God wanted me to trust Him and I wanted to, but I still was your “what if” girl. My mind raced constantly figuring out solutions for every possible scenario which made me really tired.

The day the nation shut down on March 14, 2020, when the rest of the world panicked, God set me free. Idk?? Maybe my brain switched? We are not in control of anything and letting go of *trying* to control set me free.

Life still has a bunch of hard knocks, and my heart often feels like it is shattering into a million pieces. I cannot see what’s coming around the bend which can be terrifying, but I am fully confident God is around the bend as much as He is with me right now, so I can trust Him.

We do not have to figure out anything. We only need to get up and live today for Jesus. My yes for today is enough and if I’m blessed enough to have breathe in my lungs again tomorrow, I’ll get up and say yes again. Tonight one of our situations is empty shelves, fridges and freezers. We ran out of food today and we are going to go to sleep trusting He has a plan for tomorrow, because we don’t. And you know what, that’s ok. He’s bigger and more powerful than all my best plans. I can’t wait to see what happens!

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