A dark cloud hovers over me. The darkness feels like it is always there, its goal to engulf me. Sometimes I run from it, but it chases me. Moments of light peak in and I know that light is always outside this veil of darkness. I find it maddening and wonder why the darkness works incessantly to take me out.
My hope remains, though sometimes it is dim and faint, always trusting in what can’t be seen. My soul aches as I wonder why and then my mind reminds me that it does matter why. The attacks are real and my weapon is Jesus. My mouth whispers His name over and over. He hasn’t left. He’s in the dark with me. His light overcomes the dark. But, yet He allows this attack, this seemingly never ending pain. He allows this beat down, so I take it.
When pain comes, we want it to stop. But maybe pain is really the gift, teaching us how to be desperate for Him. My lips beg Him to move, literally begging for His provision. My stack of stones go to the sky, that’s how much His faithfulness has covered us. My shame and sadness grieve my unbelief. Why does my faith waiver? My eyes have seen the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. If only’s trap me. If only my heart would hope over anxiety. Somewhere in there, I think it does.
There is no where to go that I can escape from His presence. He remains mighty to save. He holds my tears in a bottle. He told me this world would hurt. Somehow I get through the nightmares and the mind races. Annoyance at a new level, but I fight with songs in my head and the meditation of scripture. The battle is real, I’m tired and don’t want to keep on. Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, the greatest name I know.
The Bible says the joy of the Lord is my strength. Sometimes I don’t understand how that works, but I seek it anyway, trusting I will find it. My soul finds rest in God alone, so I look for Him all the day long. He is always there for the next step, so I take it. One after the other, I walk gingerly. The steps hurt, but it is better to move forward than to go backwards or sit down.
The “woe is me” has got to go. How is that helpful? The pain is here to ignite my passion. Somehow pain keeps my flame burning. And that’s why I want to run from the darkness, from the attacks of evil that chase me and lurk all around me. The darkness repulses me. Every bit of me is weak, but somehow God keeps breathing life into me, speaking truth into my heart and telling me to keep pressing on.
Attacks are real and our battles are not against flesh and blood. Oppression is heavy and chases me in the guise of a dark cloud. But, pain has purpose and over that darkness is a banner. And the banner over me is love. When we love God and are called for His purposes, He will turn everything to good. Even in the dark, I promise you it’s true. Hold on to Jesus