Waking up in the morning can be scary, not knowing if the feeling that hits me will be anticipation or dread.
You are right, it’s good to be alive. another day with the people we love. More time to feel the thump in the chest and know this day is a gift. Kids have this incredible education and the learning is limitless. Our fridge and pantry have food from the heavenly storehouse. Clothing and shoes are available for the wear. If a shower is needed, the water runs hot and clean.
My spirit longs for the Spirit of God to move. Either this morning I believe it or i don’t. When my faith is weak, my pain is debilitating. When my faith is strong, my joy is unending.
Seems simple, this life of trust. Every day before we have lived His faithfulness. Why would today be different? Why would I fear? Why would “what ifs” cloud my mind and take me down wasted rabbit trails?
Thus far the Lord has helped us. We could stack stones of remembrance to the heavens. The faithfulness of God is too much to explain. He has never abandoned us or forsaken us. seriously, His track record is perfect. Mine is the one that is messy.
Doubt and fear are two of the greatest enemies to faith. They hover. They like to keep their dark clouds right over our heads, making the Light more difficult to see. sometimes we acknowledge them for who they are, look up and deny their power. Other times the sneaky deceivers get us. We believe for moments, hours or days the enemy lies. We succumb. It’s kind of like eating that big piece of chocolate cake when we are full. We know better, but we do it anyway.
And then guilt and shame show up. They are the backup enforcers to our doubt and fear. That team works pretty well together against our very souls. I don’t know about you, but I can buy the lie. All of a sudden I am worthless, broken and defeated. i can’t go on. I become convinced I am a failure with my weak faith and my wobbly trust. Why would God care about me anymore? Put me on the bench. I am done.
This beat down could last a few minutes or all day. Maybe longer. The wallow in the pit. The climb under the covers, I can’t go on, yuck. Tears want to come, but they have come so much they are used up or pushed back. What’s the point. Get over it. Receive the realization that you are a loser, you’ve got no faith, you are all used up, you’ve got nothing to contribute.
Then truth shows up, sometimes it feels like it busts through the door. The Bible says “the truth sets you free” and that’s the best description for what happens. It’s not some badger, correction or discipline conference. heck, by this time i am down, reprimanded and convicted enough. Maybe it’s better to call it a grace conference.
Chill. I am the Holy One of Israel. I am your Savior. I am King of kings and Lord of lords. I am your strength. I am your song. I am your hiding place.
“For I, The Lord your God, hold your right hand; it is I who say to you, ‘Fear not, I am the one who helps you.'” – Isaiah 41:12
“You are my hiding place and my shield, I hope in your word.” – Psalm 119:114
As the grace and mercy of God covers us, from the truth of who He is, our spirits calm and that peace that surpasses all understanding shows up. Peace overtakes that cloud of doubt and fear. Peace covers us. Love covers us. Hope covers us.
So my mind goes to why? Why do some mornings greet me with expectation while others welcome me with despair? It doesn’t make sense the inconsistency in my life. It irritates my perfection and grieves my soul. When I know Christ, why am i wishy washy. It’s maddening and sorrowful.
But maybe it’s actually a gift. A time to cherish, deeply cherish, the good mornings. An urgency of my need to be desperate for Jesus every morning. Maybe it’s the reminder of an intense spiritual battle that wars against us. The enemy would be so delighted for any of us (or all of us) to give up. Maybe it’s to remind me the sweetness of prayer and fellowship with Jesus and constantly spending time with Him throughout the day. Maybe it’s a tap on my shoulder to remember to hide the Word, the truth, in my heart. Or maybe it’s to be relatable to the world around me. Life is no tea party and my brokenness relates to the brokenness of those around me. Maybe it is a deep secret reminder to hold on to the love of Jesus.
Why anxiety may say good morning today and peace welcomes me to a new day tomorrow remains a mystery. But whatever God wants to teach me in the extremes of joy and pain, I want to learn. He has all these amazing promises for His children. No matter how weak my faith is, I am trusting it to be as big as the tiniest mustard seed.
Jesus said in Matthew 17:20, “For truly I say to you, if you have faith like a grain of mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move, and nothing will be impossible for you.”
So, every night, I go to sleep with hope. Hoping for how the next day will be. Reflecting on today’s goodness. (there is always goodness somewhere in there, every day, if we look hard enough.) Trusting God will wake me up with peace, or take me through the darkness to where peace is beyond understanding. He’s guarding my heart and my mind. He’s my Protector. He fights for me.
“The hope of the righteous brings joy.” – Proverbs 10:28
“I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in His word I hope; my soul waits for the Lord more than watchmen for the morning, more than watchmen for the morning.” – Psalm 130:5-6