Here I sit, possibly having lived half my life, and I wonder… has my first span been lived well. My childhood flew past in a wink. Then, university, my first professional career and marriage. A miscarriage and two children. Failure. Loss. Anxiety. Cancer scare. Exhaustion. Life keeps going. Six or seven years left and the house will likely be quiet again. The children may live on the other side of the world, or attend a university themselves, and new friends may fill the rooms they leave behind. My hair is already turning grey and one day I will wake up a grandmother. My knees will give out, my hearing may waiver, and then maybe my heart will stop beating, and God will take me home.
“The years of our life are seventy, or even by reason of strength eighty; yet their span is but toil and trouble; they are soon gone, and we fly away.” – Psalm 90:10
How can I look back at what’s gone? Maybe it is valuable, for a minute, so as not to repeat the mistakes I have already made. But, I’m learning time is of the essence. The past is gone and today may be my last day or I may have the same amount of time I’ve already used up. Either way, life is moving fast, here today and gone tomorrow. My life is grass that withers and my accomplishments are flowers that fade.
Help me Jesus to look at right now. What am I doing that does not matter? Show me where I am wasting time, resources, money. How am I using my words, what am I watching and what is filling my ears? Am I holding my thoughts captive and thinking on the right things? Where am I investing my life, am I noticing those around me, and do I think of others above myself?
Do I understand that I’m a child of God and I should fear Him. My life decisions should be made on the basis of “Am I pleasing my Heavenly Father?” The adoration and intimacy I have with Him, the experience of His moment to moment love for me, and the gift of Jesus, should give me a very healthy and real desire to surrender to His plans for my life.
Do I consider God’s anger when I ignore His word, when I diminish the value of being His child, and I live in such a way that displays my desire for myself, not His desires for me. I want to want to live so yoked up with God that I consider Him in my decisions, actions, spending, time. Anger comes from disappointment and disobedience. How am I using my time in ways that would anger my Father? His Son died for me so yes, I live from grace to grace, but grace is not an excuse to disappoint my God.
Am I taking seriously the death of Christ for me? Do I live intentionally? What am I doing with my “empty” time? Is my reading purposeful? Or my walks in the neighborhood? Am I noticing the people at the library or the gas station? Do I look for efficiency to expand my time? Where am I wasting resources?
Am I considering Jesus?
“Who considers the power of your anger, and your wrath according to the fear of you.” – Psalm 90:11
God help me to number my days, to use them wisely. Let my life count. Don’t let me waste a moment evaluating someone else’s life or comparing mine to theirs. What a waste of valuable time! Make my moments matter. Teach me how. Expand me and give me a heart of wisdom.
“So teach us to number our days that we may get a heart of wisdom.” – Psalm 90:12
Help me be your hands and feet. Jesus, please seep out of me. When my life is over, let people remember YOU, not me. Teach me to live in that manner of humility, hidden in Christ and dead to myself. Give me eyes to see what has eternal value and courage to let go of the temporary. Even if I stand alone, let me be so eager to follow you that it doesn’t matter.
The life of faith is hard and good. Toil and trouble every day, but God’s steadfast love and faithfulness are all around us.
And so we pray also, “Return, O Lord! How long? Have pity on your servants!” – Psalm 90:13
Help us in our weakness. Keep us. Care for us. Strength us. Satisfy us. My soul longs to come home. This world is not my home.
“Satisfy us in the morning with your steadfast love, that we may rejoice and be glad all our days. Make us glad for as many days as you have afflicted us, and for as many years as we have seen evil.” – Psalm 90:14-15
May the joy of the Lord be my strength, that I might be glad in hardship and difficulty. Let not family, money, entertainment, possessions, recognitions, friendships or occupation satisfy, but only Christ.
“Let your work be shown to your servants, and your glorious power to their children.” – Psalm 90:16
Yes Lord. My eyes see your work and your amazing glorious power. You let me see and WOW it is good, very, very good. My heart delights in You, Your work among me, around me and in the depths of who I am. Bless the Lord, oh my soul, Bless the Lord.
“Let the favor of the Lord our God be upon us, and establish the work of our hands upon us, yes, establish the work of our hands!” – Psalm 90:27
Here I am Lord, my life such a vapor, but You are from everlasting to everlasting. Bestow favor on my paltry life and let it bring you great glory. Establish my hands, all the work of my hands, and let that be the work only You place upon me. Let my confident “no” give way to an obedient “yes” teaching me to number my days well. Here’s my life, an offering before you, stop my wandering and make my crooked ways straight, so that I do not waste the moments I have left. I am but dust, here today, and only You know about tomorrow. The past is over and I am uncertain what the future holds. Teach me to live in the reality that every “today” may be my last one.
my prayer as well. 🙂