My faith is weak today tired of everything. Exhaustion covers me like a heavy blanket. Sleep comes and goes in waves. My energy is gone. How can this have happened so fast?
Almost a month has gone and no one has had time to listen, nor have I had time to talk. Life keeps coming, fast. The next thing and then the next demands my attention. Rest seems to taunt me, like a cruel joke. Elusive. The nightmares are back. The battle wages on. The battle is spiritual. The enemy roams around seeking to run me into the ground, to dry me up, hoping to make me own the discouragement that chases me like a dark cloud.
The truth is… I am free. I am chosen by God. My life is a calling. My purpose has nothing to do with me. The joy of the Lord is my strength. Hope holds me. Jesus carries me.
The good of Jesus is in everything. My prayers to remember to breathe, the construction potty on the side of the road just where my daughter needed it and enough fuel to make it home demonstrates His faithfulness. Every “help me” is a place for Him to shine. He is present, ever present. He shows me and thank God I can still see. I don’t forget.
My heart is frustrated. Where is the passion for my Jesus in the saints around me? I feel like I deserve to see it, to feel it, to grow in Christ with an army. My heart feels like a grumbling mess. The world swarms busy around me and I can’t hear anyone depending on Jesus or sharing what He’s done. My inner argument is “where’s the church?” and the Jesus in me argues back, “you are the church.” My selfishness says, “I don’t want to grow in Christ alone” and “who do I talk to?” But the Jesus in me reminds me, “grow anyway, keep listening and do not forsake your first love.” Oh yea, I can talk to Him.
A friend shares me something from her journal that God is teaching her. I’m delighted and excited. We read some scripture together. The real is good. Other friends pray about selling everything to move to the other side of the world. I should quit generalizing the problem and focus on a solution.
Did our mentors not teach us, “do not articulate a problem unless you plan to propose a solution?!”
The problem is me. My focus is on the world around me. My focus needs to stay on Jesus. Our circumstances have been hard for ten years. Why does “the next thing” scare me, when I know the faithfulness of God? We lack no good thing.
“Help me” I want to scream. To scream at the apathy I notice around me. But, then I remember I am that apathy, the very thing I don’t want to be. My prayer life feels weak and disheveled. Here, there and everywhere. The Bible is my sword, but I’ve neglected its power by praying my words, not His. Why am I holding back? I should be yelling “Help me” to Jesus.
The pity party has to end. If I am the only one left to follow Jesus, that has to be ok with me. No turning back. If no one comes with me, I have committed to follow. The world has to stay behind me and the cross in front of me. My life is His because I decided to follow Jesus.
How do I stop thinking about what isn’t to focus on what is? How do I surrender everything? How do I live in His strength when mine is gone? How do I read one more email and respond to another text message? How do I rest when attacks haunt me?
The best and only answer I know is Jesus. More and more of Jesus. My survival for this next moment is Jesus. Jesus has to be a part of every facet of my life. Jesus needs to be asked about my schedule. Jesus should give me the words I speak. Jesus as my protector, leader and deliverer. All of Him and none of me. Jesus.
Wake up with Jesus. Drink coffee with Jesus. Read the words of Jesus. Ask him to do the work in me so I can live out the words He said. Pray about everything. Listen for His voice. Do what He says, immediately. Comfort like Him. Love through Him. Make the meals for Him. All work as worship. Rest. Be joyful and patient. Wait on Him. Trust. Faith. Give in, daily, to His relentless pursuit.
“As they were going along the road, someone said to him, “I will follow you wherever you go.” And Jesus said to him, “Foxes have holes, and birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has nowhere to lay his head.” To another he said, “Follow me.” But he said, “Lord, let me first go and bury my father.” And Jesus said to him, “Leave the dead to bury their own dead. But as for you, go and proclaim the kingdom of God.” Yet another said, “I will follow you, Lord, but let me first say farewell to those at my home.” Jesus said to him, “No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for the kingdom of God.”